Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2013 Gala – Sarah Millican


MC: She’s won more comedy awards than I’ve got time to list. It’s Sarah Millican! *crowd applauds* Hello, it’s lovely to be here. I’m gradually sort of getting used to
your temperature though. The heat affects me in a really weird way. Sort of here… *crowd laughs* Just gets a bit… I would call it cloggy
where I’m from. *crowd laughs* I understand your word for it is moist. *crowd laughs* But what I do when that happens is I just
do a plie. I’m not a massive ballerina but if I was a ballerina I would be a massive ballerina. *crowd laughs* And if it gets too much; if there’s too much moisture… I just do this. *crowd laughs* It’s instantly better. *crowd laughs* I’m enjoying my time in Australia but I do miss my cat terribly. I have a cat and he’s adorable. But I have two friends who look after him while I’m away. The first friend is an animal lover.
Second one not really bothered. The animal lover will send me a photograph of my cat and he’ll be having his dinner. or having a nap or playing because that’s all they do. And underneath she’ll put “hello mum.” I miss you. Yeah he calls me Mum, shut up. My other friend she does it because she loves me. She doesn’t love animals at all but she loves me. It’s really sweet. She sent a photograph
just the same but underneath her’s it’ll say: “Here is the photograph
you requested.” *crowd laughs* “It is still alive i will check again tomorrow.” *crowd laughs* I bought a house last year, very exciting. I’ve never owned a house before. I’ve realised though because I’ve lived in the city centre a long time it’s very odd for me. I’m not used to country living. Every time i drive along my street and I see somebody with a
white marquee tent in their garden, instead of thinking ‘”Oh, somebody’s having a lovely summer party.” I just think “Oh someone’s been murdered.” *crowd laughs* When I moved in I got a few things
changed. Just a few things. One of the things I got in was a grab rail in the shower because my mum and dad are both disabled and both getting on a bit and I
thought when they come to stay, it would be useful for them to have a grab rail. So I’ve got this really sturdy grab rail fitted in the shower, and I was showing my friend around the house, and I said I’ve got a grab
rail and she went “oooooh.” *crowd laughs* And I said no, not ooooh, trying to keep pensioners upright. *crowd laughs* And I told my dad because I thought he’d find it funny. And he went oh for that you’d need two. *crowd laughs* But my boyfriend also moved in, We’ve
been together for seven years. I think we might be rushing it. He moved in and he walked in when I was in the bath the other day. He walked into the bathroom and I don’t
have a problem with that. We don’t toilet in front of each other but I think, he can brush his teeth while i’m having a bath, that’s fine. Mainly because I’m happy with my figure
and he’s seen all of it. And he likes what he sees. But he like checked me out. He did like an up and down. You know like people do but because I
was lying in the bath it was sort of side to side. *crowd laughs* It already looked quite
dismissive to be honest. *crowd laughs* And then his mouth opened and I thought oh, there’s a comment coming I wasn’t expecting to be bloody reviewed. And he leaned over and went “nice torso.”
What kind of a compliment is that? Nice torso. He’s either been watching too
much CSI or he really hates limbs *crowd laughs* But what I like about living, I’ve
lived on my own for a long time. What I like about having somebody else in the
house is that he’ll just come out with a sentence that I would never have said.
The most recent one he said to me: “Your shed’s no good to have a wank in” *crowd laughs* And I said that’s because it’s a
greenhouse love. You’ve been lovely, thank you very much, good night!

42 thoughts on “Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2013 Gala – Sarah Millican

  1. Hilarious, the "shed no good to wank in" joke… all the men in the room were definitely laughing the loudest. bahahahahahah

  2. haah never heard of her before, she got me smiling and i went "heh" a couple times, but I laughed out loud at that shed bit

  3. I feel sorry for you. I see you on multiple Sarah Millican vids spluring the same useless shite in the comment section. Perhaps you should find a more… satisfying hobby, perhaps collect stamps, or build things out of lego… you could build a small village of people to be your friends so you're not so desperate for attention and lonely.

  4. 'Moist' only describes the damp quality conveyed by the word 'claggy'. It fails to explain that stickiness is also required.

    Claggy = moist and sticky.

  5. "wait..cause i was in the bath, it was more side to side. it already looked quite dismissive to be honest shakes head" lol!

  6. I swear it's the same old material 're cycled' time and time again.Haven't seen anything new from her recently.Can quote her stuff lol.

  7. I love her she originally from not far from me and it’s great seeing a local girl do so well. I love that the comment below mine says she adorable, that’s probably the last word she would use to describe herself haha. She’s filthy lol!!! I’m surprised so many people understand her and also Ross Noble with their accent but I know he’s huge in Australia 🇦🇺 too xxx

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